I don't think that I'll ever to be able to claim "I've heard it all".
Over the years I've heard a lot of unusual, funny or just insane
excuses for all sorts of behavior, but people keep coming up with new
stories that I haven't heard before.
Case in point:
We were having a very slow night. The bar has two entrances - one by the back parking lot and one opening to the street out front. I usually stand by the back door, which is our main entrance, since that's where everyone parks & where the taxis drop people off. It's also where I can duck in and out behind the bar most easily, since on weeknights I also barback in addition to checking ID's and babysitting the crowd.
The bartender usually checks the ID of anyone who enters through the front door; I usually ID anyone who enters through the back door. There's just the two of us employees working on weeknights and Sundays, so we have an excellent working understanding between us.
On that particular evening, I was mostly watching a table of three pretty girls that were sitting a few tables down the aisle from me. I ID'd them when they came in, they mentioned that they're waiting for their boyfriends to show up, and they were all giggly and friendly. They were also the only customers in the building.
A big, sloppy, burly but heavyset man wearing a ball cap and sunglasses entered through the front door and walked straight to the bar – the bartender checked his ID and served him a bottled beer along with a frosty mug. The man picked up his beer and the mug, looked around the almost empty bar and went to go sit at a booth directly behind the three pretty girls. (Well, maybe not strictly behind the girls, but two of the girls are sitting with their backs to the man, only one of the girls is facing him, so on a practical level it's pretty much behind them. The table of girls is between me and the guy, anyways).
Almost immediately upon sitting down, the guy started to set off my "creep-o-meter". He began fishing around in his pants pockets and plunked a great big set of keys down on his table along with a couple of other objects that I couldn't quite see from where I was standing. He didn't touch his drink, instead just stared at the girls. And I do mean STARING, this guy was glaring a hole into the back of their heads. He had an angry, intense look on his face and started to fiddle with one of the objects that he'd put on the table. The gal who was facing the creepy guy leaned across to whisper something to her friends. All three girls initially seemed to think that the guy was funny, but as he continued to stare and fiddle with the item in his hand, they grew increasingly obviously uncomfortable.
After watching this process for maybe two or three minutes I decided that it was time for me to get involved, so I moseyed on over to see what was happening.
When I approached the creepy guy's table, I could see that the object he was fiddling with (and had been flashing at the girls!) was a pair of handcuffs. I greeted the gals as I walked past ("Evening ladies"), and then did the same to the guy, ("How's it going, sir?"). I took a couple of steps past his table, then turned around and spoke to the guy again.
"So, what's up with the handcuffs?"
I was a little behind him (and not coincidentally, not within easy arms reach), so he had to twist around uncomfortably in his seat to address me. "It's OK, I'm a Bounty Hunter."
…
I had to pause for a second, as that's not the answer I was expecting. To be honest, I don't really know what sort of answer I was expecting, but that wasn't it.
"Um… huh. ... ... So, are you hunting any bounties right now?"
"No, but it's OK, I work at Kodiak's."
Kodiak's is another bar here in town, a country/rock nightclub, known at the time for having lots of fights and violent, aggressive bouncers. There was a period of time where more than half of their security staff were people that I'd either fired from other bars where I ran the security or people that I'd declined to hire in the first place.
"Well, this isn't Kodiak's, so why don't you put those away?"
"Put what away?", he said while making a fist around the cuffs, sort of hiding them from me, but also making them into makeshift brass knuckles, as they were then around his hand.
"Put those handcuffs away – it's not really appropriate for you to have them out like that."
He looked at me blankly for a few seconds, then said "OK" and started to put the cuffs back in his pocket.
I walked back past the girls. They nodded at me as I passed them, pleased that I had said something to the guy. I ducked behind the bar and explained my encounter with the creepy guy to the bartender. We agreed that one beer was his limit & that we wouldn't serve him anymore.
The bartender pointed over my shoulder towards the girls' table. "Hey, check it out – "
I turned around to look, and, lo and behold, the boyfriends of the pretty girls had arrived and one of them was standing at the creeper's table talking harshly at him.
I quickly ducked back out into the aisle and I heard the boyfriend say "…what the hell, man, why are you flashing handcuffs at my girl?"
The creepy guy was instantly aggressive right back. "Yeah? You want to say that to me outside?"
I stepped in between the two – I could see the handcuffs sitting out on the table again.
"Alright, guys, that's enough of that," I said, grabbing the still-untouched beer and mug off his table & setting them on the bar, out of the creeper's immediate reach. I've got long arms & it's a narrow aisle.
The boyfriend interrupted me, "Man, I don't want to get in trouble here," (he seemed to recognize me as an employee), "but this dude has been flashing his handcuffs at that table full of girls!"
The creepy guy cut in again "Oh, yeah? Well let's go outside, then, let's go outside!"
"Alright," I said to the boyfriend "I've got this, you go sit down, and you – " I say to the creepy guy " – it's time for you to leave. Now."
"FINE!" he yells at me exploding up out of his seat, snatching his huge wad of keys and the cuffs off the tabletop with a sweep of his arm, jumping up so quickly that he bumped into me, swinging the hand full of metal stuff pretty near my face as he got up. "But you better walk me outside! You don't know what I might do!"
For the record, I didn't get the impression that he swung the handful of keys and cuffs at me in an attempt to strike me, it was more of a wild, un-coordinated flail.
I shrugged agreement. "OK, I'll walk you to the door, I don't know what you might do!"
He stomped away to the front door, stuffing his keys and handcuffs into his pockets, muttering to himself as he walked away. I followed a couple of paces behind him as he walked up the stairs and out the door. As he stepped outside I said, "OK, thanks, goodnight", and started to close the door behind him.
Before I even got the door closed, he called out to me "Hey, wait – how long have you lived in Alaska?"
"Uh, most of my life, man."
"Yeah, I can tell you're not a real Alaskan."
"Huh?"
"Real Alaskan's settle things outside, like men!" He stepped off the sidewalk and into the street, flexing his flabby arms at me.
"Like men? Adults?"
"YEAH!"
"Through discourse and compromise?"
He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.
"You come see me some time at Kodiak's! I'll show you how a man settles things!"
"OK, thank you! Goodnight." And I walked back inside. I halfway expected him to try to come back in or mess with me while my back was turned, but he didn't, and that's the end of the incident.
The girls were really happy that I'd asked the guy to leave. The boyfriends were super apologetic, but I explained that they were not out of line for asking the creepy guy to back off, but to please come get a member of the bar staff in the future if any kind of confrontation seemed imminent.
*****
There's an interesting postscript, though – later on that night, a cop happened to drop by the bar, just doing a routine walk-through. I told him about the incident, the bounty hunter line and the handcuffs, and the cop smiled and immediately laughed "HA! Oh, man, did he look like ____", describing the guy to a T.
"Yeah, that's the guy!"
"Geez, we have some kind of contact with that prick almost every day. He's not a bounty hunter; he's a clerk at a sleazy hotel across town. He just tells people the bounty hunter thing because he thinks it's cool and tough or something. As far as I know he doesn't work at Kodiak's, but he'd fit right in. I'll be sure to mention this to him the next time I've gotta deal with him."
Then the smile left the cop's face, "But - you definitely don't want him in your bar, ever."
I told the cop that I was fine with never letting Mr. Tough Cool not-a-Bounty Hunter into the bar ever again, we bid each other goodnight, and he left to continue with his nightly rounds.
And thus the list of weird shit that I haven't heard yet gets ever smaller.
Case in point:
We were having a very slow night. The bar has two entrances - one by the back parking lot and one opening to the street out front. I usually stand by the back door, which is our main entrance, since that's where everyone parks & where the taxis drop people off. It's also where I can duck in and out behind the bar most easily, since on weeknights I also barback in addition to checking ID's and babysitting the crowd.
The bartender usually checks the ID of anyone who enters through the front door; I usually ID anyone who enters through the back door. There's just the two of us employees working on weeknights and Sundays, so we have an excellent working understanding between us.
On that particular evening, I was mostly watching a table of three pretty girls that were sitting a few tables down the aisle from me. I ID'd them when they came in, they mentioned that they're waiting for their boyfriends to show up, and they were all giggly and friendly. They were also the only customers in the building.
A big, sloppy, burly but heavyset man wearing a ball cap and sunglasses entered through the front door and walked straight to the bar – the bartender checked his ID and served him a bottled beer along with a frosty mug. The man picked up his beer and the mug, looked around the almost empty bar and went to go sit at a booth directly behind the three pretty girls. (Well, maybe not strictly behind the girls, but two of the girls are sitting with their backs to the man, only one of the girls is facing him, so on a practical level it's pretty much behind them. The table of girls is between me and the guy, anyways).
Almost immediately upon sitting down, the guy started to set off my "creep-o-meter". He began fishing around in his pants pockets and plunked a great big set of keys down on his table along with a couple of other objects that I couldn't quite see from where I was standing. He didn't touch his drink, instead just stared at the girls. And I do mean STARING, this guy was glaring a hole into the back of their heads. He had an angry, intense look on his face and started to fiddle with one of the objects that he'd put on the table. The gal who was facing the creepy guy leaned across to whisper something to her friends. All three girls initially seemed to think that the guy was funny, but as he continued to stare and fiddle with the item in his hand, they grew increasingly obviously uncomfortable.
After watching this process for maybe two or three minutes I decided that it was time for me to get involved, so I moseyed on over to see what was happening.
When I approached the creepy guy's table, I could see that the object he was fiddling with (and had been flashing at the girls!) was a pair of handcuffs. I greeted the gals as I walked past ("Evening ladies"), and then did the same to the guy, ("How's it going, sir?"). I took a couple of steps past his table, then turned around and spoke to the guy again.
"So, what's up with the handcuffs?"
I was a little behind him (and not coincidentally, not within easy arms reach), so he had to twist around uncomfortably in his seat to address me. "It's OK, I'm a Bounty Hunter."
…
I had to pause for a second, as that's not the answer I was expecting. To be honest, I don't really know what sort of answer I was expecting, but that wasn't it.
"Um… huh. ... ... So, are you hunting any bounties right now?"
"No, but it's OK, I work at Kodiak's."
Kodiak's is another bar here in town, a country/rock nightclub, known at the time for having lots of fights and violent, aggressive bouncers. There was a period of time where more than half of their security staff were people that I'd either fired from other bars where I ran the security or people that I'd declined to hire in the first place.
"Well, this isn't Kodiak's, so why don't you put those away?"
"Put what away?", he said while making a fist around the cuffs, sort of hiding them from me, but also making them into makeshift brass knuckles, as they were then around his hand.
"Put those handcuffs away – it's not really appropriate for you to have them out like that."
He looked at me blankly for a few seconds, then said "OK" and started to put the cuffs back in his pocket.
I walked back past the girls. They nodded at me as I passed them, pleased that I had said something to the guy. I ducked behind the bar and explained my encounter with the creepy guy to the bartender. We agreed that one beer was his limit & that we wouldn't serve him anymore.
The bartender pointed over my shoulder towards the girls' table. "Hey, check it out – "
I turned around to look, and, lo and behold, the boyfriends of the pretty girls had arrived and one of them was standing at the creeper's table talking harshly at him.
I quickly ducked back out into the aisle and I heard the boyfriend say "…what the hell, man, why are you flashing handcuffs at my girl?"
The creepy guy was instantly aggressive right back. "Yeah? You want to say that to me outside?"
I stepped in between the two – I could see the handcuffs sitting out on the table again.
"Alright, guys, that's enough of that," I said, grabbing the still-untouched beer and mug off his table & setting them on the bar, out of the creeper's immediate reach. I've got long arms & it's a narrow aisle.
The boyfriend interrupted me, "Man, I don't want to get in trouble here," (he seemed to recognize me as an employee), "but this dude has been flashing his handcuffs at that table full of girls!"
The creepy guy cut in again "Oh, yeah? Well let's go outside, then, let's go outside!"
"Alright," I said to the boyfriend "I've got this, you go sit down, and you – " I say to the creepy guy " – it's time for you to leave. Now."
"FINE!" he yells at me exploding up out of his seat, snatching his huge wad of keys and the cuffs off the tabletop with a sweep of his arm, jumping up so quickly that he bumped into me, swinging the hand full of metal stuff pretty near my face as he got up. "But you better walk me outside! You don't know what I might do!"
For the record, I didn't get the impression that he swung the handful of keys and cuffs at me in an attempt to strike me, it was more of a wild, un-coordinated flail.
I shrugged agreement. "OK, I'll walk you to the door, I don't know what you might do!"
He stomped away to the front door, stuffing his keys and handcuffs into his pockets, muttering to himself as he walked away. I followed a couple of paces behind him as he walked up the stairs and out the door. As he stepped outside I said, "OK, thanks, goodnight", and started to close the door behind him.
Before I even got the door closed, he called out to me "Hey, wait – how long have you lived in Alaska?"
"Uh, most of my life, man."
"Yeah, I can tell you're not a real Alaskan."
"Huh?"
"Real Alaskan's settle things outside, like men!" He stepped off the sidewalk and into the street, flexing his flabby arms at me.
"Like men? Adults?"
"YEAH!"
"Through discourse and compromise?"
He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.
"You come see me some time at Kodiak's! I'll show you how a man settles things!"
"OK, thank you! Goodnight." And I walked back inside. I halfway expected him to try to come back in or mess with me while my back was turned, but he didn't, and that's the end of the incident.
The girls were really happy that I'd asked the guy to leave. The boyfriends were super apologetic, but I explained that they were not out of line for asking the creepy guy to back off, but to please come get a member of the bar staff in the future if any kind of confrontation seemed imminent.
*****
There's an interesting postscript, though – later on that night, a cop happened to drop by the bar, just doing a routine walk-through. I told him about the incident, the bounty hunter line and the handcuffs, and the cop smiled and immediately laughed "HA! Oh, man, did he look like ____", describing the guy to a T.
"Yeah, that's the guy!"
"Geez, we have some kind of contact with that prick almost every day. He's not a bounty hunter; he's a clerk at a sleazy hotel across town. He just tells people the bounty hunter thing because he thinks it's cool and tough or something. As far as I know he doesn't work at Kodiak's, but he'd fit right in. I'll be sure to mention this to him the next time I've gotta deal with him."
Then the smile left the cop's face, "But - you definitely don't want him in your bar, ever."
I told the cop that I was fine with never letting Mr. Tough Cool not-a-Bounty Hunter into the bar ever again, we bid each other goodnight, and he left to continue with his nightly rounds.
And thus the list of weird shit that I haven't heard yet gets ever smaller.
